THE WORLD ACCORDING TO LUIS SUAREZ

This probably is meant to be the 30th post of this blog, I had nothing really in mind to mark this day but a cheeky thought just crept my head, LUIS SUAREZ, yes, the villain, the hero, the cheeky laugh, the man from Uruguay. I don’t know what best describes him, maybe you would help me get an appropriate term to use by the time you finish reading this piece, but please, let me guide your thinking for now, offensive words won’t be accepted, but a true description, depiction and thoughts on him will be highly appreciated. 
I can’t wait any longer for Suarez’s autobiography; my impatience has driven to me to the wildest of dreams and now I want to try and give it a shot.
LET ME ASSUME, HE SEES HIS WORLD THIS WAY
The transfer
You might all fail to understand, this was my greatest moment. All my life I wanted to come and play in the EPL. While in Ajax, I heard (sorry, I don’t watch T.V) that it’s here where winning the Balon D’Or is much easier compared to let me say Spain where Messi is worshipped.  Liverpool got me for 26.5 million, a small figure in my eyes, I probably should have smashed the world transfer record but I understand, the world hates me because Uruguay starts in a letter U. Quite sure, Manchester United and Arsenal tried to buy me, but hell NO, London and Manchester are not Chartered to my standards, Flying and Insurance on the other hand really haven’t been by hobbies.
Self-portrait in a few words.
Don’t expect me to tell you about my teeth, they are my greatest possession and I’d do anything to protect them. I’ll explain on them further as I write along. Since childhood, my greatest fear has been darkness. I’d rather bury my face on my phone than stare at darkness in case of a blackout, when I sleep, the lights have to be on and probably in my grave I’d carry a spotlight along. 
Once in a while, I’d take part in charity but my main aim is to never get to Africa again. My first journey there was disastrous and it was probably my last. Count me out should you hear Liverpool planning a pre-season tournament at Orlando Pirates or Kaizer chiefs because I’m already so out of it. Back to the basics, my wife and I stay in Liverpool England but once I win the Balon D’Or and top scorer awards at the end of this season, I will have my family stay back in Uruguay and fly to training daily.
My relationship with Africa
Just last week I presented a proposal to the F.A to change the names of a few clubs I deemed their names rather offensive to the game on this side of the tropics. No offense intended so far, Blackburn and Blackpool are just a few of the clubs that were listed in that report. I proposed a change of the word ‘BLACK’ with that of another word I would want all of you to keep guessing as I’m not going to say it any time soon. 
Shaking hands is a personal choice and even FIFA doesn’t have it as a pre-match rule. Actually in the streets of Salto as young boys, we never shook hands before a match, nobody even said hi to the other but at the end of it all, we all dusty and sweaty, went home laughing all the way. So when now that I’m this old, somebody slaps my hand for refusing to shake his, I smile inside, look at his face again and shrug my shoulders wishing he knew how far Montevideo is far from Paris.
Referees sure at times don’t understand the game. Each player on his own is special and deserves protection to a certain degree. So in this case when I try to block a ball that’s headed towards my face, trying so hard to protect my teeth during a football match, I’m red carded and my team concedes a penalty. I understand, the whole of Africa is watching and my God, you couldn’t want to see the hunger on those monkey’s faces. So they wanted us out of the tournament? Aha, now I see. Alas!, he misses the penalty and the press goes wild on me. My picture for once graced world headlines and I’m not shocked we win the shootout. I actually call my wife congratulating her on the birth of our first born child promising to get a few Zulu pictures for her when I get back.
The Football
Sometimes I even wonder why I came to England. South America is a heaven in itself but football brought me here, I got to concentrate. Scoring goals is actually my best part of the game and loosing is not a feeling I’m used to. I really would have loved to join Barcelona but currently my standards are so high, Barcelona would pay me so little and my dream of being the best player in the world would just be flashed like that (you know they think Messi is better than me, wish they knew how many goals I scored in training just today). Only Balotelli has boots like mine, for the simple reason, I donated my old ones to him and Kenny once in a while asks me to train the other players in training while he is away. He’s the only one who sees the hidden talent in me, that of a future coach.
The future
I don’t like speculating about the future so much that you’ll be bored. NO. Once I win the Balon D’Or, I’ll retire from football, I’ll shock the world and everybody in Uruguay would curse why I stopped playing all of a sudden. I’ve helped my country severally, sometimes putting my own life on the line and now it’s their turn to reciprocate. In simple plain English, the President needs to step down for me, allow me to steer the country to Canaan. I’d make a technical appearance at the big stage again, this time round, when Uruguay play the last match of the 2014 world cup. I would then captain the team and lift the world cup over my head and that would be the last the world of football would ever see or hear of me. Don’t ask me about my contract with Liverpool, I’d buy it out and try to even get a few shares of Liverpool. But anyway, let’s be back to reality, that’s me hoping……….
Please Note: These are my views and not the views of Luis Suarez or any other person. These views were only meant for entertainment purposes and comments to be taken light heartedly without wishing to offend anyone. I cannot confirm truth in any of the stories that have been associated with Suarez and these have been additionally added to with the intended effect of sarcasm and wit.
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